ive always liked the rainbows, and now i feel dam weird.or should i say normal since it had been lidat for a long time. empty within blah blah blah. i don't even feel like writing it down anymore.
humans.... why do we have such a complicated nature? two sides of a coin. i thought i was complicated. now i find im just simple. yeah. lets just make my life simple by doing what i wan to do. simple as that. or should i say the correct things that i should do. don't make it so complicated. (: not make my life a black hole but rather a rainbow, filled with joy and laughter and company.
a light in the darkness. hmm. thats kinda the way one would feel when they are down or upset. like they see something or feel that someone is like their guiding light, their source of help or comfort or rather should i say first aid kit.
hmm i always said i wan to help. but to be honest, in some cases i dunno wad to do to help. in others i dunno whether would they wan me to help.
today at sns.....WASTE OF TIME -.- lol. but hais its kinda expected. lol. and i think im gonna start..... emplifying ++'s example in putting pics on every post. gives it more life.
it really feels that way, a tree all alone in the wind, listening to the birds chirping, the insects chattering. its just listening, left out of the conversations.
after all this months, how many of them can i confide in? how many of them can confide in me? alot of inlets, only one outlet. i need ears too.
p.s. yh 256 had become my silent plea for help.
above, was what i wrote last sat. and nah, its been proven wrong.(: be sensitive to others, not just to urself. we need our own spaces as well.
im feeling so much better. even though i didn't go through with my plan to slp the entire day, walking and sitting in the botanical gardens for a while was very refreshing.
well, ive mastered how to look unemo thats for sure. yesterday, today, no one noticed. at least not face to face. if they did then they didn't give a dam. well.....i still felt horrible like literally. from this morning till night. morning i woke up feeling still down, smsed celeste and we had a little talk and felt a little better after that. then thereafter during the meeting started to feel worse again, during the message my exhaustion creeped up on me and i nodded off. which was really sianz since the topic was on the holy spirit and i wanted to pay attention. then dinner. luke and john didn't go, dinner was kinda mac and cheese in silence.it was kinda a girl's nights out with the two of us being the odd ones out. maybe u can say me being the odd one out as usual. so in order, i tried to light a sparkler for jamos and succeded, then they went to look at make up, then they went cold storage to i dunno, buy something? then mrted home practically in silence with grace and jamos.-.- and i thought i had offended grace in some way. i really need to get unaffected by what occured in the past. hais. sianz. i wonder how long do i need to erase this crap.
why do i feel down? lol. quite simple. besides being in my sec and pri sch clique, i don't feel comfortable anywhere else. i ALWAYS seem like to be clinging on to people, like a leech sucking blood or in this case company from people. lol. in church im always left out of the numerous convers, only rarely do am i included nowadays, in society? lol. always around the people i feel comfortable with. its like this, i can talk to anyone in both areas literally, but..........i feel left out. like today walking to mac, lol. i had time to emo the entire distance. hyper? LOL more like a facade. when had i let my facades down? lol. i have no idea. probably the last time was when i didn't had one in pri sch.
what are the things i want?lols. thats probably one of the questions i can answer very easily.because quite literally, i have very few wants. since from last year, i more or less only wanted two or three wants, and well i think i should share it. i think the reason why ive been like longing for a relationship is more like not longing for a relationship. but like i wanna know someone who understands me truely and accepts me for who i am. its not like i have no close friends. i have plenty. from pri sch till now can't use both hands to count anymore. they mean so much but still, no one that i knows as of now really understands why i do things in tt way or why i behave in tt way or why i react in that way. u can call it loneliness i guess. materalistic stuff? nah. i have a roof over my head, food, and clothings. what more do i want or need?
yes celeste i know.... i took this from blubberblu and kinda edited the end. well it was in a sense quite connecting to what ive been feeling recently so yeah tts why im posting this or should i say re-blogging this? (: okay.... im beat so im just gonna go slp now. tata. (: have a gd read.
When a Loved One Dies Did you know that people grieve and mourn not only after a loved one dies, but also before? If a person really understands that a loved one is dying, he or she can take these last days, weeks or months to feel sad- but also to make the most of time that is left.
Sometimes this is hard to do. Just knowing that someone is going to leave may make it hard to enjoy their company while he or she is still around. You may have noticed this as friends prepare to leave town on the last day of school, or when you just want to hurry up and get it over with. You think that maybe that way, it won’t hurt so much.
If you can let yourself feel sad and if you can share this sadness with the person who is dying and with other people, you may find that something else happens too. You also get in touch with all of your love for that person with all of the memories you share and with the ways that he or she will always be part of your life. That’s why it’s so important to spend time with that person you love, remembering things together, talking about your feelings or just sitting quietly in each other’s company.
Some people find it hard to open up and do this when someone they love is dying. They are so afraid of feeling sad about the person’s death that they cannot stand to think about him or her at all. What these people find later however, is that they did not really save themselves from any sadness. They just put their sadness off for a later time- after the person has been dead for a while. What they did miss is not the sadness but their last chance to share their love. If someone you love is very sick, it may be difficult to spend time with him or her in the ways that you are used to. And the person may be going through his or her own version of fighting sadness- the dying person may not want to see anyone he or she loves, because it will seem too sad. This may be hard for you to accept and there may not be anything you can do about it.
Even if the two of you cannot share them, though, you can still hold on to all of your good feelings and memories about the person who is dying. You can make yourself a scrapbook of things you did together, go for a walk to places you used to visit, write in your journal about things you have shared or draw pictures to remind yourself of happier times. You can allow yourself to feel all your love for this person, to feel all the ways that he or she has been special to you, to think about all the ways that he or she will always be important to you. In fact, only by letting yourself have all the feelings about the person who is dying will you be able to let that person go when the time comes.
When a loved one dies suddenly, there is no time or opportunity for grieving before the death. Sudden death may leave us feeling that there is “Unfinished business”, such as having no chance to say goodbye. This means that the grief must start after death. That will be the time for resolving the “unfinished business”, by, for example, expressing feelings, writing in a journal, being with others who have shared the loss, reliving happy experiences and memories of the person who has died, and eventually, after feelings have had a chance to be expressed, letting go of grief. Even after that, hold on to those memories. It lets you see and remember the good times you had, and most importantly, the difference they made in your life. If you are feeling awful aboutnot doing anything or missing that person, just remember, that if he or she had loved you, or had been a friend to, the thing that they want out of you is for you to be happy.
its not the shouting that pisses me off during the sgl showcase last wk. ITs not about the shouting, but rather the tone. just like the other time. attitude is one thing, tone is another. today i wasn't talking about kimberly at all. we made each other feel bad about the whole incident and i wanted to thank her that she at least apologised to us though it really wasn't her fault. but i was more or less along the lines of talking about elvina when she shouted as the people behind me to shut up. at the time i felt like throwing my laptop at her. there i was sitting there playing cs while waiting for our debrief and Fk. kanna blasted again just because i was in the wrong place at the wrong time. KNS. next time i would probably shout back at her alr. okay MAJOR time to cool down. okay okay cool cool cool. tmw going training-.- i have mixed feelings about it.
why do i feel a loner everywhere i go? from sec sch to church to poly. yeah, i have great friends who i can to anytime, i have great friends who share joys and sorrows with me together, i have great friends who know what i like and wad i would do and vice versa. but seriously? its like today again, i sit down there listening, and i feel left out. and it happens nearly weekly. sometimes i feel like i can get along very well with someone, on other days it feels really outta place. sianz lar.....
the calm before the storm, or the ending of a storm?