ive always liked the rainbows, and now i feel dam weird.or should i say normal since it had been lidat for a long time. empty within blah blah blah. i don't even feel like writing it down anymore.
humans.... why do we have such a complicated nature? two sides of a coin. i thought i was complicated. now i find im just simple. yeah. lets just make my life simple by doing what i wan to do. simple as that. or should i say the correct things that i should do. don't make it so complicated. (: not make my life a black hole but rather a rainbow, filled with joy and laughter and company.
a light in the darkness. hmm. thats kinda the way one would feel when they are down or upset. like they see something or feel that someone is like their guiding light, their source of help or comfort or rather should i say first aid kit.
hmm i always said i wan to help. but to be honest, in some cases i dunno wad to do to help. in others i dunno whether would they wan me to help.
today at sns.....WASTE OF TIME -.- lol. but hais its kinda expected. lol. and i think im gonna start..... emplifying ++'s example in putting pics on every post. gives it more life.
it really feels that way, a tree all alone in the wind, listening to the birds chirping, the insects chattering. its just listening, left out of the conversations.
after all this months, how many of them can i confide in? how many of them can confide in me? alot of inlets, only one outlet. i need ears too.
p.s. yh 256 had become my silent plea for help.
above, was what i wrote last sat. and nah, its been proven wrong.(: be sensitive to others, not just to urself. we need our own spaces as well.
im feeling so much better. even though i didn't go through with my plan to slp the entire day, walking and sitting in the botanical gardens for a while was very refreshing.
well, ive mastered how to look unemo thats for sure. yesterday, today, no one noticed. at least not face to face. if they did then they didn't give a dam. well.....i still felt horrible like literally. from this morning till night. morning i woke up feeling still down, smsed celeste and we had a little talk and felt a little better after that. then thereafter during the meeting started to feel worse again, during the message my exhaustion creeped up on me and i nodded off. which was really sianz since the topic was on the holy spirit and i wanted to pay attention. then dinner. luke and john didn't go, dinner was kinda mac and cheese in silence.it was kinda a girl's nights out with the two of us being the odd ones out. maybe u can say me being the odd one out as usual. so in order, i tried to light a sparkler for jamos and succeded, then they went to look at make up, then they went cold storage to i dunno, buy something? then mrted home practically in silence with grace and jamos.-.- and i thought i had offended grace in some way. i really need to get unaffected by what occured in the past. hais. sianz. i wonder how long do i need to erase this crap.
why do i feel down? lol. quite simple. besides being in my sec and pri sch clique, i don't feel comfortable anywhere else. i ALWAYS seem like to be clinging on to people, like a leech sucking blood or in this case company from people. lol. in church im always left out of the numerous convers, only rarely do am i included nowadays, in society? lol. always around the people i feel comfortable with. its like this, i can talk to anyone in both areas literally, but..........i feel left out. like today walking to mac, lol. i had time to emo the entire distance. hyper? LOL more like a facade. when had i let my facades down? lol. i have no idea. probably the last time was when i didn't had one in pri sch.
what are the things i want?lols. thats probably one of the questions i can answer very easily.because quite literally, i have very few wants. since from last year, i more or less only wanted two or three wants, and well i think i should share it. i think the reason why ive been like longing for a relationship is more like not longing for a relationship. but like i wanna know someone who understands me truely and accepts me for who i am. its not like i have no close friends. i have plenty. from pri sch till now can't use both hands to count anymore. they mean so much but still, no one that i knows as of now really understands why i do things in tt way or why i behave in tt way or why i react in that way. u can call it loneliness i guess. materalistic stuff? nah. i have a roof over my head, food, and clothings. what more do i want or need?
yes celeste i know.... i took this from blubberblu and kinda edited the end. well it was in a sense quite connecting to what ive been feeling recently so yeah tts why im posting this or should i say re-blogging this? (: okay.... im beat so im just gonna go slp now. tata. (: have a gd read.
When a Loved One Dies Did you know that people grieve and mourn not only after a loved one dies, but also before? If a person really understands that a loved one is dying, he or she can take these last days, weeks or months to feel sad- but also to make the most of time that is left.
Sometimes this is hard to do. Just knowing that someone is going to leave may make it hard to enjoy their company while he or she is still around. You may have noticed this as friends prepare to leave town on the last day of school, or when you just want to hurry up and get it over with. You think that maybe that way, it won’t hurt so much.
If you can let yourself feel sad and if you can share this sadness with the person who is dying and with other people, you may find that something else happens too. You also get in touch with all of your love for that person with all of the memories you share and with the ways that he or she will always be part of your life. That’s why it’s so important to spend time with that person you love, remembering things together, talking about your feelings or just sitting quietly in each other’s company.
Some people find it hard to open up and do this when someone they love is dying. They are so afraid of feeling sad about the person’s death that they cannot stand to think about him or her at all. What these people find later however, is that they did not really save themselves from any sadness. They just put their sadness off for a later time- after the person has been dead for a while. What they did miss is not the sadness but their last chance to share their love. If someone you love is very sick, it may be difficult to spend time with him or her in the ways that you are used to. And the person may be going through his or her own version of fighting sadness- the dying person may not want to see anyone he or she loves, because it will seem too sad. This may be hard for you to accept and there may not be anything you can do about it.
Even if the two of you cannot share them, though, you can still hold on to all of your good feelings and memories about the person who is dying. You can make yourself a scrapbook of things you did together, go for a walk to places you used to visit, write in your journal about things you have shared or draw pictures to remind yourself of happier times. You can allow yourself to feel all your love for this person, to feel all the ways that he or she has been special to you, to think about all the ways that he or she will always be important to you. In fact, only by letting yourself have all the feelings about the person who is dying will you be able to let that person go when the time comes.
When a loved one dies suddenly, there is no time or opportunity for grieving before the death. Sudden death may leave us feeling that there is “Unfinished business”, such as having no chance to say goodbye. This means that the grief must start after death. That will be the time for resolving the “unfinished business”, by, for example, expressing feelings, writing in a journal, being with others who have shared the loss, reliving happy experiences and memories of the person who has died, and eventually, after feelings have had a chance to be expressed, letting go of grief. Even after that, hold on to those memories. It lets you see and remember the good times you had, and most importantly, the difference they made in your life. If you are feeling awful aboutnot doing anything or missing that person, just remember, that if he or she had loved you, or had been a friend to, the thing that they want out of you is for you to be happy.
its not the shouting that pisses me off during the sgl showcase last wk. ITs not about the shouting, but rather the tone. just like the other time. attitude is one thing, tone is another. today i wasn't talking about kimberly at all. we made each other feel bad about the whole incident and i wanted to thank her that she at least apologised to us though it really wasn't her fault. but i was more or less along the lines of talking about elvina when she shouted as the people behind me to shut up. at the time i felt like throwing my laptop at her. there i was sitting there playing cs while waiting for our debrief and Fk. kanna blasted again just because i was in the wrong place at the wrong time. KNS. next time i would probably shout back at her alr. okay MAJOR time to cool down. okay okay cool cool cool. tmw going training-.- i have mixed feelings about it.
why do i feel a loner everywhere i go? from sec sch to church to poly. yeah, i have great friends who i can to anytime, i have great friends who share joys and sorrows with me together, i have great friends who know what i like and wad i would do and vice versa. but seriously? its like today again, i sit down there listening, and i feel left out. and it happens nearly weekly. sometimes i feel like i can get along very well with someone, on other days it feels really outta place. sianz lar.....
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
its still better to keep everything to yourself. and only a very very very very small group of people
Monday, September 28, 2009
seriously today... i heard my mum and my grandma talk with my two great aunts about an uncle.... wans to invest in the diamond trading crap in south africa..... kinda retarded. poured money into the sea lidat, got scammed tons..... and blame mother. that is the kind of scenario in which i would do wad i wrote in facebook yesterday. this kind of people need a really gd slapping to wake up and really become mature in their thinking and not like a child, blame everyone but not themselves.
sometimes i feel that... they are probably the group of people that i can get along with extremely well.... on other days they are total strangers to me. next time when im organising something, just throw me a straight answer like...... i WANT out. not something like but we had alr done something similar. it appreciated. and i would give the same kinda of answer.
badminton, gym, badminton, eat, pool, gym, psping. that was how my day went. suprising no muscle aches YET. tmw gg. hais.. im bored. and i need to start on the new t. can't believe i haven't started. okay.... start now! JYJYJY
today some agl blasted at us........cause zoe had an asthma attack. i wonder wad is her problem. bad attitude, bad leadership skills. a leader is supposed to lead by example, learn by comments and observations blah blah blah i can list a long list. after all, i was once a leader too. a bad one though. anyways......i burnt. today i got so bored of more than words i just day dreamed off.like man.... repeat repeat repeat and repeat. at least give us a little break here and there? boring day tmw gonna badminton from 10-1! then gym.(:
and i seriously do not like her tone to me. 'its not your practise u huh for wad?'i'll say u dunno why i huh then u just shut up and don't utter a single word lar.
brothers and sisters do fight. or rather disagree with each other, get annoyed with each other blah blah blah. some people do annoy me, and i know i do annoy people. well, don't judge. thats wad Our father told us to do and its high time i did it. we are spoilt. us singaporeans. its high time we get outta of our comfort zone and go someone ural to live.
i went nuts trying to find my ic to photocopy for my overseas trip... then i came across this little blue badge with a letter k on it.....and i don't recall who gave it to me.....
we
overseas camp was....... an eye opener. like i had never been to somewhere that run down? and im certainly spoilt.
okay..... lets go back to day 1.....i reached sch exactly at 630....... and i was complaining about the timing..... we took 30 mins to reach tanah merah terminal..... then we walked in a muddy path, did boom netting? which is more or less is jump from the third level of a fishing trailer into a net. okay okay.... it was quite alright actually. maybe i was kinda scared of jumping but jumped anyway. lol did it 4 times and well.... it was thrilling. LOL. then pitched a tent. more like i slacked and watched the others pitch a tent. i then went looking for firewood, and wow i saw the toliets i went WOW!Lol literally a tent where u can shit in, and guys just anyhow urinate whereas girls dug a hole and x marks the spot. we cooked maggie under the helpful lighting of torchlights and a few random light bulbs powered by a small little generator and a kerosene lamp... my the fire was super comfortable. couldn't slp at all. the sand was uneven, my back hurted like ....... and i changed positions tons of times. the beach was nice, the sea was nice the sun rise and sun set were nice and the STARS Were nice. lol.
day 2. pt was like nuts..... then i kayaked quite a bit. the water was shallow was kayaking on the two seater. i wanna 1 sitter again! (: its nice nice nice. shoulder aches today but still.... nice! LOL then rained, so no flying fox. heng? i dunno kinda scary?but i prob still go try de. lol. okay... im scared of heights still lol.next up.... games. lol. the ula's staff games were serious brain teasers. i still don't get a game and i dunno how to get past it. lol. ren wei's we take neoprints was FUNNY! LOL.but i think some people are horrendous in making the sgls go over and over and over and over again. they come to me i just make it super easy for them. then....... campfire shouted a little? or rather when i needed to and the making of mascots..... i torch light holder only -.- cheers and skits were gd. lol
day3 ....which is today. woke up did nothing ate alot of bf and lunch, ate maggie for dinner. and....did 50 push ups b4 i fell out. wrist no longer hurts thank goodness then still got nothing actually. lol just pack up and clean up and lots of talk here and there and photos and speeches blah blah blah that i also can give actually. overall the people were nice... great..... splendid lol.
got super pissed off. taxi stand full of people no taxi.... then i just walked in, dropped my phone and all the things are like crap... hais. wasted a sat yesterday and my gpa is 2.7 =.= need to mug next sem no more com and this and tt. cats a, maths b+, mbio c+, ipc c, physio b. okays......hais
well. today was ......... how to say it. lol. a waiter again? but the spinella's was great. lol. oh wait! i nearly forgot about the trip to cold storage and guardian. lol. but i couldn't stand a bro's talk bout someone chaing gfs. asking when do u wan to change ur gf? its like he is asking when are u changing ur clothes? wadtheheck??? well enough of the bad stuff. well talked about the poly forum.......and tessa's malaysia camp, and the modeled speelling mistake. or isit just american spelling? no idea. anyway its was a great day.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
sianz. this is screwed. shouldn't had tried singing anymore. in fact i doubt i would ever sing again after this. i can't sing for nuts. this is total fked up. like wad the bloody hell lar. how in the world did i get into choir in the first place. lol. another of the screwed up things that happened in my life. singing.-.-
saying i love you, its not the words i wan to hear from you. its not that i want you, not to say but if u only knew. how easy, it would be to show me how you feel, more than words, its all you have to do to make it real, then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me, cause i already know.
im bored. bored to the extent of typing out this dam song that im singing for a performance. and its a duet -.- maybe to be specific, a trio-duet. 3 pairs of people singing different parts.
hmm... cycled to sch yesterday. quite interesting for a change. quite challanging at 1 point not to ram into a tree, and yeah... im still bored. after 3 hrs.... ive watched 200 pounds beauty again, cars and the golden compass. of course, skipped some parts. yawn8 im bored.
the soft crunching of the gravel beneath the pair of feet. the whispers from the insects carried upon the wind. the captured images upon the tranquil waters.
hmm. nothing gave me so much pleasure than seeing the two of them smiling while chatting to each other, besides the fact that it was during the hymns, cause well, im happy that they can have times lidat. guess thats me, getting pleasure not outta people's misery, but from their joy.
had a great time yesterday, it was one in a million. its not that i needed that company, but still, its the company that made my day. like seriously. its the people that counts. but how often do we neglect these people? and yet even more, how often do we take into account what they would have to do, whether would they be able to catch up with us or not, or do they have exams coming up or not.
in a whirpool of emotions right now. or more accurately, a whirpool that had drained me of every feeling now.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
lol....when would i meet someone that i like and she feels the same way about me?
first of all..... I WASTED 40 bucks on arcade????? OMGosh-.- lol. but quite fun though XS i was playing time crisis again ( only game i play) 3 and 4 i think. one handed playing, my arm still hurts. hit the two tires solo. for the helicopter sniping the truck wheels. lol one handed. a first XP
okay. we ate at ljs, bought the chips and fries cause the others are so really super duper ex. then we went to watch.... THE PROPOSAL. LOL i laughed like shit. and zc was teasing jb thrugh out. LOL.
then.... i psped -.- dissadia and gundam. LOL. and we pooled! i played BETTER! lol. okay... dinner was like ............................... waited very long for some place but was playing psp so didn't really notice the time. (classmate's psp) then went to noodle hut or noodle house one of the two. lol. quite .....ex. free flow drinks and ice cream though.
so a day past. i can't wait for tmw. like seriously can't wait.
okay. today.... bored. i went to my grandmother's place, then i commed quite a bit, searchin for the cca point system for yvonne, sent a poem to celeste for her bluberblu read, and did this and tt this and tt. when my grandmum was scooping ice cream for me and my cousins, my thoughts, turned back to my grandfather, also because of the poem that i sent, and the thought that ive been having for quite some time surfaced again. so many people that i want to know better, to become closer with, to understand and help them along more, yet so little time. cherish.....thats something i learnt in sec 1. lol.. on the way home, walking in, i cried. a few drops of tears, i was in a mix of gladness and sadness. glad that ive been able to know my family, my pri sch friends, my sec sch friends, the churchies, and my current classmates. lol. only 3 ppl got wad i meant. i think.
its times like this when i need someone to talk to, its hard for me to find someone. its times like this when i need some encouragment, and whence do i find them? its times like this......
lol... childhood sweethearts......load of crap. never had one. maybe had one in pri 5 and 6? but hate her like siaos then lol. now shes another friend i can talk to. :) lol. liking someone is not easy. loving someone is EVEN harder. but i think i do know how to love my neighbour. i hope i do know how to. love is patient, love is kind.... lol. am wondering why love like and bgr are like the common topics i post on recently. retarded. i had plenty of crushes -.- but liking someone is kinda a not so easy thing for me. it doesn't happen often. and i can like someone for years.. that i do know very well......:S
blogger and facebook ARE screwed. at least its this period of time. LOL! can concentrate on study first. i cannot access EVEN MY OWN BLOG!?!? who cares....shit happens LOL!
im kinda suprised that im actually posting this here. even though i thought of making this my private blog, but then i found it quite troublesome.. so yeah its not privated so ive haven't been saying what i really think, but now this is what im thinking right now.
im thinking that it is actually intriguing to see that ive grown so much and yet at the same time, theres no difference in me now and in sec sch. the same thing is i get influenced very easily. though i know very clearly whats right from wrong, and won't do wad is not right, i still get influenced. the thing that had changed however is actually ive deproved in many areas. like singing for example.
but one thing that hadn't changed from last year was to care. in fact its been wearing me out but i welcome it cause it makes me remember what its like to feel. and i like doing it. dunno how to describe but its like when someone gets over their problem, i feel happy for them:) thats prob why i haven't given up till now.
bgr. well its getting to me. in a sense its kinda influencing me,with all the sudden open bgrs popping up around me, to get into one but ive thought it through. well, im not going to get into one. unless theres a person who wans to get into one with me then maybe.. but im not going to get into one just for the sake of getting into one. seriously ive been dam confused bout the crap thats been surging within me. why can't i just meet someone who makes me cathartic just as i make her feel the same way? hmm. just leaving this mess for the Lord. take my joy and my sorrow oh Lord. it really isn't helping when im singing more than words.
i wrote two poems im just gonna dump them here. annoyed alr, took much longer on this post than i wanted thinking of wad to write. so yeah here u go, enjoy.
Perceptions
A little star in the night sky,
Gazing upwards in silence, I said,
its all alone.
A pearl in the ocean,
Gazing downwards in silence, I said,
its wondrous.
A friend that I went to in despair,
gazing at him I said,
you don’t understand me.
A teardrop on a cheek,
I gazed at it and said,
You’re sad.
I gazed back at him
Thanks for noticing, but what can you do?
I can..
Be there for you
I gazed into the openness
Thank you, Friend.
and.....
Alone.
At 11pm daily,
Silence. That’s all I hear.
Silence, save the howling of the wind.
Silence, save the roaring of engines.
Silence, save the sound of my typing.
Silence…..
Silence……..
At 11 pm daily,
Alone, that’s what I am now.
Alone, that’s what gives me fear.
Alone, that’s what I feel.
Alone, that’s what the whispers of the voices in the wind tells me
Alone……
Alone………..
At 11 pm daily,
I think, am I really alone?
I wonder, who can I talk to right now?
I hunger, for someone I can care for.
I long, for affections aplenty.
I envision, what life is without loneliness.
I realize, I am not alone,
I found out, I have brothers and sisters who care.
I grasped the truth, that the Lord is with me.
and last but not least, the dam song im learning -.-
GIRL:
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
GUY:
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know
GIRL:
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
GUY:
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
(BRIDGE)
GUY:
Now Ive tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
GIRL:
Hold me close dont ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know
GIRLS:
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
GUYS:
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you
the calm before the storm, or the ending of a storm?